Still I rise: The story behind my tattoo

6 years ago, I had to stop schooling. When I knew about it, I shed a river of tears. I was so down back then. Useless, futureless, garbage. It was one of the darkest days of my life. "What will happen to me?", "How will my future be like?", "Am I gonna reach my dreams?" 

 

Believe me, for an 18-year-old-teenager, it is so horrifying and sad to see your batchmates going to school and posting things about their internship or school activities while you stay at home wondering if you will be able to get back in school again. My self-confidence died and I started to hate my parents for it.

 

They knew I hate them that much during my college days. I hate them for not providing me financial support for my education. I hate them for their bad and wrong decisions in life that affected our family financially, socially and psychologically. It was traumatic. Those hell years. I and my siblings suffered the most when my dad was bombarded with fabricated cases from his previous work. We got no other choice but to stay strong and adapt to our new life which is--- back to zero. We lost everything. Land, cars and savings. When I say zero, it means absolute zero financially that we have to ask our relatives for support and help for our daily expenses (food and bills.)

 

I have to stop schooling, even my youngest brother. I didn't deserve it but I have left no choice but to get going. Back then, I envied and hated students who were taking their schooling for granted. I keep on asking God a question, "Why me?"

 

At that time, I have to live with my cousin to babysit her kids. Every single night, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I keep on lifting myself by inculcating in my mind that this stage, hopefully, soon enough, shall pass. Those months were the months I felt I was hopeless about my future. I have to swallow my pride for the sake of One Thousand Pesos per month just to help my family with our electric bill. Whenever I am looking back on it, I can't help but pity myself.

 

After some months, we decided to go back to Isabela. I stayed at home for half a year reading novels, scanning educational books and reading my old media manual and textbook. God knows how eager I want to go back to school already. 

 

Then, I saw a poem. A life-changing poem entitled, "Invictus." The last line goes like this, "my head is bloody but unbowed..." It became my mantra. I need to be a strong-willed woman. That no matter how hard and no matter what challenges life throws on me, I shouldn't ever---ever surrender. I should be strong. No, I am strong.

 

I was able to go back to school after a year. My happiness back then was indescribable. I was given a chance to grab scholarships outside and inside the school and for my daily allowance, I have to work as a student assistant. for 6 hours to 8 hours a day with my full load of subjects. 

 

There were times I really want to quit because there was no single night that I pity myself and cry thinking about how can I survive the next day again. It was tiring. Draining. Soul-wrecking at a very young age. But, every day back then was a miracle day. And my faith got stronger and stronger because I know He's there guiding and leading me. I know, that God from up above never left me in my dark days.

 

One morning, I was already prepared to go to school. When I counted my money, it wasn't enough to pay for three rides going to school. I was already thinking of doing "1-2-3" (pretend you already pay but did not) on my second ride because I really don't have enough money. I was already uttering words like, "Sorry Lord kailangan ko lang talagang pumasok." 

 

So, while waiting for my second ride, a jeepney driver stopped infront of me and called me. He said, "Ineng, trinity ka? Lika na sabay kana kase gagarahe akong cubao." I jumped into the jeep's passenger seat and he started talking. "Kapag sinita tayo sabihin mo pamangkin kita kaya kita sinabay kase di ako dapat magsakay dito kase hindi ko ruta." I nod and smiled. Then thought how will I pay this driver if he ask me for my fare? 

 

He was so kind. And then he said, "Buti naisakay kita kase mahirap talagang sumakay sa commonwealth ng umaga. Nakita ko kase uniform mo na trinity kaya ibababa nalang kita ng Jimenez." And I just said thank you. When he was about to drop me off, I pretend counting coins on my hand for my fare. When he saw me, he said, "Wag na neng. Okay na." That time, I said "Kuya salamat talaga" genuinely.

 

I waved at him and said thank you again and I felt I was so blessed. My heart was so touched and on my third ride going to school, I hid my face in my arms 'coz I don't want to show other people that I was crying. God will truly send you people who will prove that miracles do happen. God is truly kind and amazing. He knows all. And he will lift you on your down moments.

 

I was able to finish school and I am so proud that I am already a degree holder of Bachelor of Arts in Mass Communication Major in Broadcasting. 

My tattoo is the facade of my experiences and the main lesson in my 20s. Always choose to rise in your down moments. Always choose to stand up. Because in life, it doesn't really matter how many times we fall. What count the most are the times that we choose to rise and begin again. Always, ----always choose to rise. No matter what happens, whisper, "still I rise."