Flying back home with a heart of gold

8 months after--- here I am flying back to the Philippines. I just remembered myself 8 months ago. I was so excited, energetic, ecstatic and courageous to fly away from my parents and start a new life in a new city.

For me back then, it was a blessing from up above because I will be able to level up my experience, my career, and my maturity and I will be able to provide for myself and for my loved ones at the age of 23.

Isn't it so amazing to think that at a very young age, you'll be able to create a big step in your life as a young adult?

But this blessing became a miracle when I reached Doha. I experienced expectation-vs-reality-moment. I was so anxious, so depressed--- so afraid. I couldn't imagine how these new people in your new surroundings could do things such as manipulating, mind-setting and taking advantage of your soft and weak parts.

In the latter part of my stay, my emptiness and my total sadness keep on lingering in my soul every midnight. I realized I was trapped with the idea of going overseas makes you a better person. I was drowned in the idea of earning money fast and easily will bring you a successful life. But no, no and it will never.

Those sleepless nights, plenty of it, I spent contemplating my life. I was so lost due to something that is even unknown. I felt sad for no reason. I felt so heavy from within. So heavy that the only thing that soothes me then is a 2 AM hot shower. At some point, I ask myself if it is normal to feel this way. Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe it is just part of my midlife crisis that everyone in their 20s experience? I don't know. But only one thing is for sure, I end up asking myself, "Am I happy?"

Falling on to this question every day made me realize that, happiness is putting ourselves (mind, body and soul) in a warm place where we can create inner peace. We can not be truly happy if we will not help ourselves and allow ourselves to be. If we let ourselves be drowned with our demon thoughts, we will be forever hopeless for genuine happiness. And yes, happiness is a choice.

One day I woke up from the upper bunk of the bed and realized that I shouldn't focus on the negative things that happened to me in my first quarter or I shouldn't give a fuck if my career flew in a different sky. I should be grateful. I should feel blessed at some point because I'm able to earn something for myself, pay bills and even provide a little for my parents. I should not place myself on the dark side of the story. I should do myself a favour.

To ease my loneliness, I tried things like going back into running, talking to my parents, going out with my friends and praying. A lot of prayers.

It was a miracle for me to realized that I survived from drowning myself in my own tears. It was definitely a miracle because I was able to fight my demon thoughts and find a way to place myself in a very positive phase of my stay in a lonely place. Now I know, I am happy.